I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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