You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
