Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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