you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
