Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
