About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
