the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
