I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
