turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize