Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
