just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
