dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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