I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
