Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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