Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
