i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
