I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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