Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
