The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize