I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
