I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
