You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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