my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
