Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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