Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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