new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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