Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
