3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
