Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
