nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize