I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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