I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
