do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
