I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
