Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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