awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
