The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
