I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
