I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
