Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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