You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Randomize
