I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
