is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Drunk is not a location!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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