I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
