So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
bring money and cleavage
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize