Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
