I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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