he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
