Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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