guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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