You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
