I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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