Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
