over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
