look no pants
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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