I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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