the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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