Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize