Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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