I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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