update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
