well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
