His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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