Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
